Warning. This may get heavy. So, if you're not in the mood for heavy move along.
As a mother of girls, I'm struggling. I struggle at times to feel like I'm making a connection. And that's critical. I am well aware that a connection needs to be made. Does it have to be at all times? Is that asking too much?
Believe it or not, even though I may seem as old as dirt, I remember how it was growing up girl. Awkward at times and not necessarily what we all think childhood/growing up should be. Is it ever? That's why I have tried to do things a little different than when I grew up. Have I done things differently everyday? Definitely not. Sometimes I do feel like I am creating the situation that I grew up in. And I have to fight it. But when frustration kicks in, it makes me crazy.
How can I make my kids understand I only want what's best for them? Is there a way? I am the adult and I have to act like one. But it's so easy to treat them the way they treat me. But I can't.
For whatever reason showers were not had last night before bed. So, the kids had to take showers before school this morning. It's snowing this morning so I told the girls their hair must be dry before leaving the house. Was it? Nope. And one of them looked like they had a rats nest growing in the back. And this was acceptable to them. I'm sorry, it wasn't acceptable for me.
I couldn't let her leave the house the way she looked. Is it that I care too much about looks? Honey, my hair usually isn't brushed and I'm in my pajama pants and sweatshirt when I left to drive them to the bus stop/school. I don't have time to care about my looks before 7:45am. Does that make it a double standard? That early in the morning and this time of year, it's dark outside. Nobody sees me. But when I do get ready to go somewhere, I'm ready.
When I made one of them come with me to my bathroom to dry and fix her hair you would have thought I killed the dog*. I was trying to show her (in a very calm voice, mind you) that if she brushes her hair back away from her face while drying it she will be able to train her hair to naturally fall away while growing out her bangs**.
With my other child, I can't get her to tell the truth at times and that scares me. During dinner one night I could tell she was on the brink of having a cryfest***. She said she was fine. So later when I heard her crying upstairs I went to check on her. She came up with some reason as to why she was crying. But you know those times when the alarm is sounding and it doesn't quite ring truth? This was one of those moments. Turns out that around 9:30pm rolls around (she's supposed to be asleep at this point) and she's still awake. I think it's because the truth hasn't come out yet and she's trying to come up with a way to get it out. But not quite. She said she was too hot upstairs. I'm not sure how much cooler we could go upstairs without the girls freezing so I just pretended to turn down the heat. But when I got to the reason of why she was so upset, we took care of the problem and she fell right to sleep.
Within these walls is a safe place for them. I'm not sure how to get my kids to understand that.
We are at the brink of the teenage years for my oldest. At the end of the day, I'm still Mom. I will try and correct their path and guide them. I will not let them run over me and control every situation.
Girls, you may not believe it, but I'm on your side. I truly am. You are smart. You are sweet. And you are wonderful young ladies in training. I couldn't imagine my life without you and I only want what's best for you. You make me proud. With you, it feels like I have done something right in this world. You bring such joy. And I love you very much.
God, figuratively I'm scratching my head so much I'm afraid I might scratch a bald spot in the back of my head. I need patience and wisdom. I need strength to get me through the difficult times. I pray that the girls get what they need from me as a parent and don't hate me for it later. There needs to be a balance that can only be achieved by focusing on Your grace and mercy. At the end of my journey I want my kids to look at me and say, "Thank you for everything. Thank you for loving us and being a great mom to us." But now I'm so unsure of asking for a thank you. Is it motive? Is it wrong to have a motive of your kids wanting to say "Thank you"? God, only You can handle this. Please handle this.
*Which after eating two more socks and regurgitating them on my dining room rug yesterday, I'm very tempted. If Golden Retrievers are so smart, I'm ready for him to catch on that eating socks is BAD.
**Growing out bangs, what a royal pain in the arse!
***Don't we all find ourselves on the brink of one every now and then? Sometimes it does the mind good just to get it out.